Boyett's Rules for Using Your Smart Phone
Earlier this year, my mom was diagnosed with a type of cancer that’s fairly common for women over 50. She’s since had surgery, the cancer is gone, she’s recovering fine, and has only a 5% chance of recurrence. So that’s good. Between the diagnosis and the surgery, though, we went through a difficult period of uncertainty.
During that time, out in a public location, I encountered someone I’ve known for more than 20 years. He knows my mom, knew about my mom’s diagnosis, and knew that we were waiting on treatment. Appropriately, he asked how my mom was doing.
I started to tell him about the difficulties of not knowing, about how my mom was being brave but worried.
Then about 10 seconds into my reply — I had barely started answering his question — his phone chirped. He pulled it out and began tapping a response to the text message he’d just received. Head down. Completely focused on his phone.
I was talking about my mom. About her cancer. About how we were waiting to hear from her doctor. About what kind of surgery was in store.
I felt stupid, because he kept looking at his phone. At one point he acknowledged I was still speaking by offering a mumbled “uh-huh.” Otherwise, the encounter had turned into me giving a monologue about cancer while he messed with his phone.
Annoyed, I wrapped up the conversation, said “bye,” and left. He acknowledge my leaving but kept tapping at his phone. Had I been more brazen, I would have just stopped mid-sentence and walked away without a word, passive-aggressively hoping the abruptness would make him feel bad. But I didn’t. I remained embarrassingly polite. And probably today he still has no idea how rude and insensitive he had been. Based on his level of engagement, he may not even remember the conversation.
Anyway, since then I’ve been much more cognizant about the way I use my phone in public situations and while around other people. I’ve come up with a personal list of smartphone etiquette rules. I’m sure you can find similar tips somewhere else online — there’s nothing new here — but these are my personal rules.
1. If you receive a text while in face-to-face conversation with another person, you may glance at your phone to see who it’s from but DO NOT REPLY until the conversation has reached an appropriate ending or exit point. If the text is an emergency or requires an immediate reply, apologize and excuse yourself from the conversation before responding. Otherwise, you are implicitly saying that the message on your phone is more important than the person in front of you.
2. If you receive a phone call while in face-to-face conversation, you may glance to see who is calling but you are not obligated to answer. By answering, you are effectively saying, “starting a conversation with this person on my phone is more important than the face-to-face conversation the two of us are already having.” Let it go to voicemail and call them back when the conversation is over. Of course, if it is a call you’ve been waiting for or you suspect it’s an urgent matter, you may apologize and tell the person you need to take the call.
3. Obviously #2 doesn’t apply if you are a surgeon, a police detective, a Counter Terrorism Unit agent on TV, or someone whose level of responsibility requires answering all incoming calls at once. Whomever you are speaking to face-to-face probably knows this about you already and will understand. You should still be polite and end the conversation with an apology, though.
4. You are not obligated to answer your phone while driving. That’s what voicemail is for. If at all possible, wait until you get to your destination. Your convenience is not more important than another person’s safety (as well as your own). If you must answer immediately or suspect it’s an emergency, pull into a parking lot or to the side of the road.
5. Don’t text while driving. If you must text in your car, do it while waiting at a stoplight, and do it quickly. QUICKLY. Lately it seems a red light means “text” and a green light means “finish up and hit SEND while the car behind you honks.”
6. Get off your phone during interactions with people at the drive-thru, at the supermarket check-out counter, at the post office, etc. Because it’s just rude. No, you don’t have to end the phone call. Just ask the person on the line to hang on for a second while you complete the transaction. The drive-thru/check-out person is there to serve you and deserves, if not your full attention, at least an acknowledgment that are humans and they exist.
7. If you’re wearing earbuds and listening to something on your phone or iPod, remove them when someone addresses you, or while in a service situation like #6 above. Polite interaction can’t happen when your ears are blocked off and being filled with music or other sounds. Even if you’ve turned off the music player, remove your earbuds anyway. It lets the person you’re speaking to know that you’re listening.
8. For what it’s worth, our kids each have an iPod touch but we don’t let them use these devices while riding in the car, because we want them to be aware of the world around them and of how to navigate our city. (We suspend this rule for long trips.) This is a personal choice and not a rule I’d ask every person to follow, but I still think it’s a good idea.
I’ll stop there. I could come up with more, and you probably can, too. If so, leave your rule in the comments.
Disclaimer: I’m not perfect. If you know me, you probably can think of a time when I’ve broken my own rules with you. I’m sorry. I’m working on it.
