I have no excuses for not having blogged this week. Actually, I have one fairly good excuse. Thanks to all of you who participated in the Great Pocket Guide Giveaway of 2009 on Monday and Tuesday, I have spent most of my free time signing, packing, and shipping books.

In total, over a 24-hour period, I sold 58 boxes of Pocket Guide to the Bible for $0.01 + $19.99 shipping/handling. That’s 58 boxes x 48 books per box = 2784 books total.

That’s a whole lot of books. Thank you!

Some things I have discovered over the last few days:

Pocket Guides are small, but 48 of them weigh 21 lbs. 13 oz.

I can comfortably carry two boxes into the Post Office.

If people see you carrying two large boxes into the Post Office, they will go out of their way to open the door for you. (At least, that’s what they’ll do in Amarillo, Texas.)

If you ask nicely, postal employees will let you borrow a hand truck to haul boxes from your car.

I can sign 48 books in exactly 6 minutes, 20 seconds. I know this because I have timed myself. I timed myself because I am a nerd.

The Chicago Cubs tend to win baseball games by a large margin when I sign books while watching them play. So I will take credit for their offensive explosion this week.

It’s easiest for me to sign books on the floor, rather than on a table or desk.

My kids are excellent book-signing assistants:

Again, thanks to everyone who bought books. Most of them should be in the mail by next week.

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In other news, I’m the guest blogger today at Stuff Christians Like, with a post about saints and holiness. If you’ve been missing this blog, head on over there for some good times.

I want to try something. Thanks to Chris Anderson’s new book, Free — and the controversy it has caused — there has been a lot of discussion around the Web regarding the value of products. Specifically, whether or not it makes sense to offer a product for free?

I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that I have a whole lot of the first edition of Pocket Guide to the Bible (the Relevant Books edition) sitting in a warehouse, in boxes of 48. Jossey-Bass is about to release a new, repackaged version of that book. Which sorta makes my old version a collector’s item. Or irrelevant. Or something.

So I thought I’d try an experiment: What if, for a short time only, I provided copies of this first iteration of Pocket Guide to the Bible for virtually free? Only there’s a catch. You can’t get just one copy. You have to take 48.

So beginning right this moment, you can get a box of 48 Pocket Guide to the Bible books for the price of $0.01. One tiny cent. AND…I’ll sign them. Every one. All I ask is that you cover the shipping & handling for these boxes so I don’t actually lose money on this.

Shipping is $19.99 for the box. So in total, $20.00 gets you 48 signed books. No strings attached.

The deal won’t last long. The offer stands until exactly 10 pm Central time tomorrow night, July 28. At that point, I’ll remove the button below.

I’m thinking this will be a great deal for high school ministries, college ministries, small-group leaders, Gosselin family members, or anything similar to get a bunch of books for giveaways or gifts. If you agree, make that purchase. Buy a box. And let your ministry friends know about this crazy almost-free deal.

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Update: 9:00 pm, Tuesday, July 28 — The crazy almost-free deal has ended. Big thanks to the more than 50 of you who bought boxes. I’m working on them now and will ship them as I finish.

I decided to do something today that I hope will be of interest to you. What is it? I’m not telling until Monday night, when it goes into effect.

But I’ll give you a hint. It involves large quantities of Pocket Guide to the Bible, economic theories espoused by Chris Anderson, and the copper visage of Abe Lincoln.

You will definitely want to check in Monday night and early Tuesday. And if you know a youth minister, college minister, young adult minister, pastor — or anyone who works with groups of people who: 1) like the Bible, 2) like humor, and 3) like to read — then you especially should tell those people to stop by, too. I think they will be interested.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday night.

In case you didn’t know, the start of the apocalypse might have occurred earlier today when parts of the eastern hemisphere (including China and India) experienced a full solar eclipse. Like Dick Cheney, eclipses have long been considered harbingers of doom. This one is particularly a big deal — the longest one of the 21st century. We won’t see one this long again until 2132. I personally can’t wait until that one arrives. Neither can Dick Cheney.

Worth noting:

Hindu mythology is suspicious of solar eclipses. If by “suspicious” you mean it is believed that eclipses occur when the demons Rahu and Ketu swallow the sun. This is bad news. Not only does it plunge the world into demonic darkness, but it turns food inedible and water undrinkable. Also, those are some really huge demons. Shudder.

Hindu mythology also suggests pregnant women stay indoors during an eclipse, to keep their babies from developing eclipsey birth defects.

Another good idea during a solar eclipse? Fasting and ritual bathing. Thousands of Hindus took a dip in the river Ganges today, just to be safe.

Only it’s not safe when that ritual bath turns into a 2,500-person stampede like the one at Varanasi, on one of the river’s banks. A 65-year-old woman was killed and several others injured.

In other not-safe news, Mumbai astrologer Raj Kumar Sharma predicted a violent attack on Indian soil as a result of the eclipse, along with the possibility of a devastating natural disaster in Southeast Asia. But Raj Kumar Sharma has always been something of a gloombucket.

That is the first time in my life I have ever used the word “gloombucket,” which I made up just now. I love that word, though. I am going to start using it a lot, and I encourage you to join me.

According to my neighbor, Skip, an eclipse is something God does to the sky when he tests out a giant new hole punch. Skip is clinically insane, though, so I don’t believe him.

Chinese tradition explains an eclipse with stories about a heavenly dog eating the sun. From CNN: “As the story goes, people would make noise to scare off the dog and rescue the sun, said Bill Yeung, president of the Hong Kong Astronomical Society.” This might explain why Skip was shouting and waving around maracas today in his backyard.

The Shanghai zoo put up special lights today to keep zoo animals from being too freaked out by the sudden darkness. My question is why didn’t they do this yesterday, before the giant dog ate the sun?

Enjoy this eclipse day, even though nothing happens at all here on the western side of the earth. Either way, tonight I’m going to turn on the lights, turn up my stereo, watch out for stampedes, and take a dip in the holy Prairie Dog Town Fork of the Red River, just to be extra cautious. Me and Skip.

I implore all you gloombuckets to join us.

I’m pretty sure every writer has this experience. At least, I hope so. You see a book on a shelf, or read about it in a magazine, and think: Wow. THAT is a great book idea. I totally could have come up with that. I totally could have written that. Why didn’t I? Why why whyyyyyyy?

And then you lapse into a fit of envy and self-loathing because some other author is finding great success and you wish it were you.

I’m not alone in that, am I? Please say no.

Because I feel that way, on so many levels, about Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Quirk Books), by Seth Grahame-Smith and, um, Jane Austen. It’s a retelling of the classic Pride and Prejudice story, in Jane Austenesque language. Only this time there are zombies in it. And now Quirk has released another piece of delightful Austen+Magickal Creatures parody fiction: Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, by Ben H. Winters.

Of course, in greatly derivative fashion, I have been brainstorming additional ways to add vicious mayhem to classic literary works (with or without zombies). Had Quirk contacted me, this is where I would have gone…

Of Mice and Men and Mummies (John Steinbeck)

The Old Man and the She-Wolf (Ernest Hemingway)

A Separate Piece of Flesh (John Knowles)

Portrait of the Artist as a Winged Demon (James Joyce)

The Sound and the Fury and Alien Robots (William Faulkner)

The Apes of Wrath: Sasquatch Attack (Steinbeck)

As I Lay Dying of Fear (Faulkner)

Dr. Zhivago and Mr. Hyde (Boris Pasternak)

A Farewell to Arms: Werewolf Summer (Hemingway)

The Guts of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

The Sword in the Neck (T.H. White)

The Power and the Glory and the Robot Apocalypse (Graham Greene)

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How about you? Give me your ideas for a literary/monster mashup…

This is not a post about my Pocket Guides. This is just a blog post about my pockets.

I am a creature of habit, in that I pretty much always carry the same thing in my pockets regardless of where I am going or what I am doing. If I don’t have the usual pocket stuff, then I feel weird. Pocketly naked, if you will.

So I thought it would be fun to show you what I carry in my pockets on a daily basis, and then ask you to report about your pocket geography (or, for the ladies, the geography of your purse).

1. My phone. It’s a Nokia model, but I’m not sure which. It is not an iPhone. I’m kind of a phone minimalist — I use it to talk to people, and pretty much for little else. I don’t text unless texted. I don’t use it for Internet connectivity or to check email. I like being “off the leash” when I’m away from the computer, so to this point I have avoided smart phones that make it easy to check email or whatever. Call me old-fashioned, but that’s how I roll.

2. Fisher Bullet Space Pen. I love this baby. It’s compact. It writes clean on just about every surface. It has a pleasing weight and feels good in your hand (when you take the cap off and put it on the non-writing end, it fits your hand like a regular pen). This is the pen I carry all the time to jot down notes or whatever. It’s supposed to work in temperatures ranging from -30 to 250 degrees Fahrenheit, but I have not yet tried it in those extremes, and don’t really plan to because who has the inclination to write if you’re trapped in an oven or ice cave? Anyway, if you’re interested, you can get one at Amazon for $20 or so. Totally worth it.

3. Flash Drive. My current model is a Cruzer 1GB with a pretty little flourishy pattern. I don’t use it for much, other than a backup for manuscripts and articles and various photos to transfer between computers. I’m totally paranoid about having multiple manuscript backups, though. I’ve heard too many stories of writers who lost entire manuscripts because their hard drives crashed. Not me. I’d have to have about 5 hard drives crash simultaneously (including those at Google) to totally lose a manuscript.

4. Chapstick. This one’s by Avon, but I’m not any kind of lip balm brand snob. I really only use it about twice a week, but I always carry it with me. My jeans tend to develop little outside grooves in the denim from my chapstick tube. Whenever I need it and don’t have it? Really annoying.

5. Leatherman Micra Multi-tool. Since I was 16, I have never not carried a pocketknife. I have been through several versions, from Swiss Army models to three-blade Uncle Henrys to single-blade knives. But this exact Micra I have carried since 2000. How do I know that? Because I received it as a gift for being part of a friend’s wedding party. The date is engraved on it, along with my initials. Unfortunately, my relationship with this particular multi-tool has lasted longer than the marriage that occasioned the gift.

6. Elysium Mighty Wallet from Dynomighty Design. The coolest wallet I have ever owned. It was a Christmas gift from my aunt, and it’s awesome. It’s made from folded Tyvek (the stuff express mail envelopes are made from), so it’s expandable, tear-resistant, slim, and super-lightweight. I love a thin wallet, and the fact that this one looks cool makes it even better. It comes in several different designs, too. If you are the wallet-carrying type, you need one.

7. Keys. I got this keychain from a sporting-goods store in Lake City, Colorado, in 1999. I like it because it has a rope on it, so I can twirl it around like an insouciant lifeguard with his whistle. Also the double clips allow me to clip it to my belt, but I never do (unless flyfishing). But it’s nice to know I have that option.

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That’s what I have in my pockets. What do you carry in yours?

This is what arrived in the mail yesterday, wrapped up all nice and pretty by the good folks at Jossey-Bass:

I think I like the spine design the best:

The books were designed by the team at Relevant Media Group. I’m pretty sure most of the work was done by Jeremy Kennedy, now of his own design studio, Kenedik.

Nice work, Jeremy. They look great.

You, too, can have some of these within a couple weeks. Preorder yours here:

Pocket Guide to the Afterlife
Pocket Guide to Sainthood
Pocket Guide to the Bible

I am a designer and occasional artist, but only rarely have I ever resorted to real graffiti. I can’t remember any specific instances, but I’m fairly sure I have left my mark on the occasional bathroom wall. Probably to make a witty retort to some supposed insult, or to correct the grammar of a dirty limerick.

But if I were an honest-to-goodness graffiti artist, I think my life’s work would revolve around taking a Sharpie into every restroom possible to create this:

A close-up:

The photos above come from a post on Grant Hinkson’s blog more than 18 months ago, which is ancient in Internet terms. And the joke has apparently been around much longer. But ever since I encountered it a month or two ago — along with the inevitable t-shirts and other detritus connected to it — I can’t stop thinking about how perfect and funny this is.

It makes me smile. Every time.

Art really does make life more meaningful, even if it’s guerilla art.

Bacon makes life more meaningful, too.

You know how, when people are interviewed on TV, it’s always with them looking to the side of the camera, presumably at an off-screen interviewer?

That’s what the video below is.

Only I’ll let you in on a little secret. There wasn’t really an interviewer there. And there wasn’t a lead-in question either. And it’s not really a camera, unless you count the built-in camera on my iMac as a “camera.” In other words, it’s a completely fake interview I conducted with myself, about my own books, using shoddy production techniques.

Why? 1) Because I was tired of looking at the camera and talking about myself, thanks to this post and this post. 2) Because there was a squirrel scampering in an amusing manner outside my window. 3) Because that’s how the professionals do it. And if I am anything, it’s professional. (As evidenced by the elegant lighting, the opening graphics, and the high-quality theme song.)

Enjoy.

Is Michael Jackson in Heaven? That was the question my editors at The Daily Beast wanted me to ask pastors last Thursday. Because the Beast has been wanting to increase their religion coverage, we had spent the previous couple of days discussing possible stories with a spiritual bent. They suggested something in response to Tuesday’s story about scientists having created a cloned human sperm in a lab.

Normally I’m all over stories involving cloned human sperm, but I offered another suggestion. In the days immediately following Michael Jackson’s death, there had been a flurry of rumors (involving Andrae Crouch, apparently started by members of the gospel group Mary Mary, and subsequently debunked by Crouch) that MJ had become a Christian not long before his death. I was thinking of something about how we Christians are always so eager to see celebrity conversions. Sort of a broader follow-up to my Speidi story from a few weeks back in the Beast.

The Beast had another idea. Michael Jackson’s hybrid spirituality had been a hot topic on all kinds of message boards and blogs, especially as revolving around the question of his eternal destination. An accused child molester. A troubled celebrity. A guy mixed up in a number of religious traditions. Was MJ in heaven?

Honestly, I hadn’t ever thought to ask that question — despite my interest in the afterlife — but it fascinated me as the subject of an article. Why? Because so many Christian pastors have so many different ideas about heaven — Who goes there? When do we go there? What does salvation mean? Can anyone know they’re saved? Is heaven a real place anyway?

I thought it would be entertaining and informative to ask a broad cross-selection of evangelical and mainline pastors. Pondering the potential afterlife of a specific (and wildly famous) figure could offer insight into what Christians actually believe about the afterlife, in a broad sense. So I spent all day Thursday interviewing pastors and writing. The article posted on Friday morning.

To me, it was an interesting cultural journalism topic, linked to a timely blend of pop culture and spirituality.

Turns out not everyone, um, felt the same way. I’ll go ahead and link again to my Michael Jackson piece at The Daily Beast, but with a warning for my loved ones: Go ahead and read the article, if you want, but you probably don’t want to dip into the comments section. Let’s just say it’s not exactly a friendly place. To the point that I’ve had several friends get in touch with me to ask if I was OK, seeing how I was being completely excoriated at the Beast.

Really, I’m fine. Thanks for asking, though.

Anyway, I stand by the article and have decided there’s no value in responding, in any detail, to my detractors about the value or content of the piece. (Though, obviously, if I thought it was a dumb idea, I wouldn’t have agreed to write it.)

All I want is to offer this observation from my brother, who emailed me yesterday:

I just never realized atheists were so touchy. What’s funny to me is they won’t find many Christian writers out there as sensitive to their beliefs as you are, yet they’re raking you over the coals.

Funny…and true.