I don’t normally turn to movie critic Roger Ebert for thoughts about religion, but a friend of mine recently sent me a link to a Chicago Sun-Times article Ebert wrote remembering Gene Siskel, his movie-reviewing colleague, who died in 1999.

Ebert has always been an excellent writer, and the piece is a compelling reflection, on the 10th anniversary of Siskel’s death, upon their history together. But there was one passage in it that struck me as particularly noteworthy, especially as someone always looking for thoughts about religion in the mainstream world. Ebert called attention to Siskel’s devout Judaism:

———–
His parents had started one of the early synagogues on the North Shore after World War II. “I had a lot of long talks with my father about our religion,” Gene told me. “He said it wasn’t necessary to think too much about an afterlife. What was important was this life, how we live it, what we contribute, our families, and the memories we leave.” Gene said, “The importance of Judaism isn’t simply theological, or, in the minds of some Jews, necessarily theological at all. It is that we have stayed together and respected these things for thousands of years, and so it is important that we continue.” In a few words, this was one of the most touching descriptions of Judaism I had ever heard.
———–

That’s a profound observation, I think — that one of the most important aspects of faith are the traditions it gives families, and the way it connects people today to people from centuries ago (“we’ve stayed together and respected these things for thousands of years, and so it is important that we continue”). Regardless of theological beliefs, he’s saying, religion is a good, beneficial thing because its practice binds people together into community.

I agree. But it’s also a lightning-rod statement, of course, because there are plenty of things about that idea that will get people angry. Sure, that’s a nice thing to say about Judaism — it’s important to keep those traditions strong, and to know that Jewish boys in ancient Palestine were learning and reciting the same prayers as Jewish boys in 2009. It’s cool to know that early Christians were saying the Lord’s Prayer and observing Communion, just as Christians do today. We can get behind that statement because it applies to our team, but my guess is that a lot of Christians and Jews would get behind it only if you apply it that way.

What if you extended it? How many of us would say that Muslims have stayed together and respected certain traditions for the last 1500 years, and it’s important that they continue to do so? It’s hard to say that if we think Muslims are wrong in their beliefs, or deluded in their faith.

And I know a lot of contemporary, non-liturgical Christians who look at even Christian tradition as lifeless and empty. They would read Siskel’s statement and think it was, well, stupid. The importance isn’t necessarily theological? they would think. That’s nonsense. The traditions are only meaningful because of the theology behind them. Without theology — without orthodoxy, without right beliefs — it’s just a bunch of meaningless actions.

And with respect to Judaism or Islam, they might scoff at the idea of “continuing” a tradition just for the sake of continuing it…because, as a Christian, we’re supposed to believe that the other guys are wrong. And why continue something that might be wrong?

So I guess I’m not really here to offer any conclusions or praise for Siskel’s statement, or Ebert’s response to it. But it’s thought-provoking. It causes me to question both the traditions of my own faith and the why it may (or may not) be important to continue them. It causes me to look at my motives and ask how far I can agree with that statement: only in regard to my own faith? Or with other religious traditions as well? How far am I willing to extend grace and see beauty and purpose in religious practices? Only as far as the borders of Christianity? Or beyond it?

I’m interested in your thoughts. What role do the traditions play in faith? How important are they? Are they as important as theology? What is your reaction to Ebert’s recollection of Siskel’s statement about faith?

A few days back, I clicked on a Google ad somewhere linking to a book called The 100 Funniest Words in English, by Robert Beard. The book’s website listed those funny words (but without definition) and I agreed that most of them were, in fact, funny words.

It occurred to me that our lives would be better if we could work some of these words into our daily conversations, so as a public service, I would like to help you do just that. Here is a random selection of the 100 Funniest Words (according to Beard), with definitions and my own personal recommendations for usage:

——–

Batrachomyomachy (noun): A fight over something unimportant, or “making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Suggested usage: “Pete! Jerry! There’s no need to punch each other because you both showed up at the party wearing the same Aeropostale shirt. Nothing good ever comes from such batrachomyomachy.”

——–

Crapulence (noun): Sickness caused from overeating or excessive drinking.

Suggested usage: “Don’t party with Melissa. She suffers from Saturday-night crapulence and is just as likely to vomit on you as she is to do the Sprinkler with you on the dance floor.”

——–

Fard (verb): to paint or apply cosmetics to one’s face.

Suggested usage: “Sorry I can’t join you for the pre-game cookout. Craig and I will be in the men’s room. Gotta fard up for the big game. Because nothing shows Hoosier loyalty like facepaint.”

——–

Godwottery (noun): purposefully using archaic language

Suggested usage: “Kip is such a blowhard, with all that talk about sitting on his ‘divan’ and carrying his ‘satchel’ and accusing people of ‘batrachomyomachy.’ All that godwottery gets on my nerves.”

——–

Snollygoster (noun): a clever, unscrupulous person.

Suggested usage: “Say what you will about Bernie Madoff, but that snollygoster pulled a pretty impressive scam. I expect most of the crapulence you see on the Upper West Side is directly related to his scandal.”

——–

Snickersnee (noun): a knife fight.

Suggested usage: “When that Yankee snollygoster made fun of my farded face, I did what any self-respecting Red Sox fan would: I pulled out my Leatherman Micra and challenged him to a straight-up snickersnee. To the death. Obviously.”

——–

If you like these, I can do it more often. Because I’m all about godwottery when appropriate.

Today is Ash Wednesday. This is the beginning of the traditional Christian season of Lent and a fasting day for many liturgical Christians, and it’s becoming more of an emphasis among evangelicals and Protestants like me. I thought about doing a post today about why I observe Lent, but then I remembered I wrote that post already last year. But many of you who faithful readers are relatively new, and may not have seen it. So I’m going to re-post.

Forgive me. It’s a Lenten thing to do.

I also added links to the writers mentioned below, in case you want to read more. Because you should.

———–

(originally posted 2/6/08)

By virtue of
my background, membership, and my current church attendance (though, perhaps, not my theology), I am a Southern Baptist. Thanks to our Anabaptist heritage — which threw out anything smacking of popishness back in the 17th century — I knew nothing of the church calendar during my formative religious years. So Lent wasn’t just de-emphasized. In my church, it didn’t even exist. Easter was a big deal, and the church office was closed on Good Friday, but that was it. Ash Wednesday? Not a word. It passed by every year without notice.

I learned more of it as I hit my twenties and began to expand the boundaries of my faith. I read Catholic writers like Merton and Nouwen and Manning and Protestant writers like Yancey and Peterson and gradually I learned the significance of the Lenten season as a way to turn one’s mind toward repentance, to practice self-denial, and to prepare for Easter.

It was my little sister, though, who really got me thinking about it. She shipped off to graduate school in Syracuse and began attending more liturgical churches. (As you might expect, Southern Baptists don’t have too strong of a presence in upstate New York.) She came home one spring break and fastidiously got up every morning and made some green tea. Instead of coffee. We Boyetts are heavy coffee-drinkers, so this was news.

Micha had given up coffee for Lent. I was intrigued, and did some research. Fasting during Lent was a way to acknowledge (with great humility) the self-sacrifice of Christ on the cross. In observance of Lent, Christians gave up something they loved — coffee, sweets, alcoholic beverages, shopping — in order to a) practice a mild form of self-denial; b) replace it with something of benefit, like prayer or scripture reading; and c) remember Jesus and remain conscious of his death during the weeks leading up to Easter.

It sounded like a valuable spiritual practice (as opposed to being some scary works-based Catholic thing all good low-church evangelicals ought to ignore). And lately I’d been noticing how Easter kept sneaking up on me. Suddenly it was there, without warning…which never happens with Christmas. Christmas never sneaks up on us, because we begin preparing for it as soon as we get the dishes washed after the Thanksgiving meal. I realized that was the role the Lenten season played: it made me anticipate the coming of Easter, which made the celebration of the resurrection that much more meaningful. (What a dumb sentence that was. As if something I do can actually add meaning to the resurrection. But you know what I mean. I hope.)

So that year I decided to observe Lent by fasting from something I knew I would really miss: listening to my car’s radio and CD player while driving. No NPR. No sports talk radio. No music. Just silence.

Guess what I did with that time? I prayed. For my kids, my wife, for my own spiritual journey. I found some good prayers of confession that fit the Lenten season and I prayed them. Sometimes, I just enjoyed the quiet. It was nice. And that year, Easter didn’t sneak up on me. I knew when it was coming. I had been thinking about it and preparing for it for a month-and-a-half.

That’s why I observe Lent. The self-denial is good for me, obviously, but more than that, it gets me ready for Easter. It shifts my attention to Jesus, and that’s a good thing. It’s something I need. It’s something we all need, whether we’re Catholics, Episcopalians, or casserole-eating Southern Baptists.

Links: Historical background of Lent (Christianity Today)

An excellent piece at Slate.com about the growing Protestant enthusiasm for Lent.

A comprehensive overview at CRI/Voice Institute.

Back in 2006, I traveled to the Dominican Republic with Tom Larson, the founder and then-President of Healing Waters International. (I wrote a 5-day travelogue for Relevant, which you might be interested in reading: Day One. Two. Three. Four. Five.) I’ve written about Tom on my blog before, and you can click here to read a little about it and see a silly Denver Post photo of him and his wife, Dana.

Anyway, Tom and I hit it off immediately on the trip. Both of us had a background in advertising and copywriting, among other traits, and we became good friends. I haven’t traveled with him again, but I’ve spent time with him at his home in Denver, shared several meals with him and his family, and kept in touch. Tom “retired” from the administrative aspect of his Healing Waters work a year ago — he’ll admit he was in way over his head, a copywriter trying to run a multinational non-profit — in order to write more and advocate on behalf of the organization.

He has spent much of his time since working on his personal memoir of the last several years. I’ve read several chapters of the manuscript, and it is an intensely compelling read. His road is not a typical one, unless you consider the transition from pot-head advertising professional to Christian missionary to founder of an international clean-water organization to be a well-trodden path. Tom has had a crazy and inspiring life, fueled as much by human failures as by a deep passion for God and ministry.

The parts of the book I have read are deeply honest about these failures, about how Tom stumbled into the mission work and the founding of Healing Waters, and about how God used him despite his flaws. When I read him, it feels very much like reading Anne Lamott, had Anne been a missionary in the Dominican Republic. Funny, dry, profound, and peppered with words you don’t normally find in books about God. Also there’s the title of the book: For Love of God and Beer.

Tom and I have been in touch as he’s tried to market the manuscript, and despite the strength of his writing, it’s been difficult to get the attention of the few publishing houses he’s spoken to. Christian publishers aren’t interested in books about God that have cuss words in them — despite Tom’s authentic faith. Those are hard to sell in Christian bookstores. The “beer” in the title doesn’t help either.

But the flat-out religiousness of Tom’s journey is kinda scary for the mainstream publishers, too. Tom feels strongly, though, that to edit or censor the writing is to tell an inauthentic story, and I agree. Nevertheless, both of us are convinced that there’s a market for this kind of book — there’s always a market for great writing (proof: Anne Lamott) — and he’s come up with an interesting idea to discover that market.

He created a website, and has built it around the prologue for his book and a survey. The survey will hopefully help him accomplish a couple of things: 1) It will discover how people feel about his style of writing, and whether or not they are interested in reading more. And 2) it will help him gauge how many people are offended by the beer part and the cussing parts and whether or not that would discourage them from buying his book. A good sample of people taking the survey and answering honestly provides some ammunition to give publishers. The whole survey is anonymous, by the way.

Because I like Tom and I believe very strongly in his writing, I’m doing my part to help. I’d like you to join me. Here’s what you can do:

Go to Tom’s website, GodandBeer.com, and read his prologue. (Warning: it contains some strong language, for those of you who might be offended.)

After you’ve read the prologue, take the survey. (Warning: it also contains a small amount of strong language, along with a bunch of questions about beer… for those of you who are Southern Baptists.)

Spread the word. Invite your friends to read the For Love of God and Beer prologue and answer the survey questions as well. Link to it on Facebook, and Twitter, and your own blog.

I’ll greatly appreciate it. So will Tom Larson.

Good writing needs to find an audience. You can help make that happen.

What did you do this weekend? I’ll tell you what I did:

1. I met the Coulombe family. Several months ago, faithful reader-of-this-blog Ken Grant emailed me to introduce me to a cool family he’d just spent time with in Delaware at the home of Terry Foester (of “Give Herman One Dollar” fame). He told me he’d met them at Terry’s house and I should check out their website. I was impressed. Andy and Serenity Coulombe used to live in Oregon, in a house, in the suburbs. He taught high school and was a wrestling coach. She was a homemaker, raising their three little kids. They were pretty normal.

But after reading books like Shane Claiborne’s Irresistible Revolution and re-reading the Gospels, they became convinced that their lives (and faith) needed to take a more radical slant. With their kids in tow, they got involved in ministering to the poor and homeless in downtown Portland. Before long, they knew God was calling them to do that full-time — but not in Portland. So last summer, Andy quit his job. He and Serenity and their kids sold all their stuff. The five of them are now traveling the U.S. in a 1993 Holiday Rambler RV, converted to run on waste vegetable oil. They drive from city to city, where they get involved with various churches and ministries. Their work is flexible and always-changing, but mostly it involves showing love to people on the margins of society. They’ll stop in a city for a week or two, find a way to get involved for several days, and then move on to the next town.

They’re in Amarillo through next weekend, and we’re hosting them (and the RV) in our driveway. Check out Andy & Serenity’s blog to read more about their work and ministry. And thanks, Ken, for the introduction.

2. I swam 1.875 miles in 60 minutes. One of my new year’s resolutions for 2009 was “participate in another single-category race/competition” in addition to the three sprint triathlons I intend to do this year. I decided to get this resolution accomplished early this year by competing in an event called the “Xtreme Swim” at our local gym. It’s pretty simple: swim for one hour straight and see how much distance you can rack up. I finished with 3300 yards (66 laps) and got 2nd place in the non-competitive division. (The competitive-division participants were the hard-core triathletes and high-school swimmers and went way past two miles.)

For non-swimmers, that distance sounds like a lot, but the truth about distance swimming (and I assume it’s the same for long-distance runners) is that once you build up the endurance and find a steady, even pace, swimming for 30 minutes isn’t much more difficult than swimming for 60 minutes. The biggest problem is boredom. Unlike running outdoors, the bottom of the pool doesn’t change much along the way.

Here I am during the early minutes of the event:

3. I finished up a new website for the Pocket Guides. Nothing fancy — it’s not interactive at all — but just something to showcase all the books in the series as we begin marketing efforts for the release in August. So check out www.pocketguidesite.com and let me know what you think. If you see a typo or something dumb, please let me know. I don’t think there are any mistakes, but the first person who finds a legitimate one and tells me about it gets a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Ready? Go!

Please note: It is not every weekend I swim long distances, welcome strangers into our home, and create a website. Most weekends, I just sit around with the kids and play Uno. But all those things just seemed to coincide this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I figured I’d better blog about it.

It was either that or the Academy Awards, and I didn’t watch the Academy Awards.

You know how it is.

Did you hear the story earlier this week about the pet chimp who went crazy and attacked, in violent fashion, a friend of its owner? It was kind of a sad story — the chimpanzee died, and the lady it attacked ended up in the hospital. But it was also about an enraged monkey, and in my world, that counteracts the sadness in a major way.

I wrote a piece about it earlier in the week for another publication, but it ended up not getting published. So I’m giving it to you. I think the story should be told. Here’s the absolutely true run-down in factual order:

1. Sandra Herold, a 70-year-old resident of Stamford, Connecticut, used to have a chimpanzee for a pet.

2. According to news reports, Ms. Herold, who is a widow, loved her chimp like a son.

3. The chimpanzee was named Travis. He was 14 years old.

4. On Monday, Travis inexplicably flew into a rage and began attacking Ms. Harold’s friend, 55-year-old Charla Nash.

5. Nash had been trying to help Ms. Harold coax Travis back into the house, as he had gotten out and become agitated.

6. It is not known what caused the chimp’s agitation, but earlier that day Ms. Harold had put Xanax in Travis’ tea.

7. Apparently, chimpanzees drink tea.

8. Anyway, as soon as Travis attacked Charla, Ms. Harold began stabbing the chimp with a butcher knife. When that didn’t work, she went after him with a shovel.

9. That’s right: A shovel.

10. Ms. Nash spent the next few days in critical condition at a local hospital, with major injuries to her face and hands. No word on how many of these injuries were shaped like the blade of a butcher knife, or a shovel.

11. After the attack, Travis just roamed around the yard for awhile until police arrived. That’s when he became aggressive toward the police officers. One of them fatally shot Travis when the chimp tried to climb into his police vehicle.

12. This story is totally true. You can read about it here.

13. Also noteworthy? The transcript and recording of Ms. Herold’s 911 call during the attack. You can hear Ms. Herold scream things like “Send the police, with a gun…He ripped her face off!” and “Bring the guns…you have got to kill my chimp!” Pretty chilling stuff, even for a monkey attack.

Wanna bring up this story at, for instance, an Oscar party this weekend? Some tips:

Appropriate Conversational Usage: “Stop laughing, you guys! That lady was seriously injured! It’s not funny! Well, the part about hitting him with a shovel is funny. And so is the part about the tea. But the rest of it is really sad!”

Inappropriate Conversational Usage: “Chimpanzees rarely make good pets, unless you’re a long-haul trucker with a fondness for Alabama football.”

A person could take this pants thing too far. Really, really far, and then it would get annoying. So this is the last time, I promise.

What if you took a single word in, for instance, one of those really crazy sadistic statements made by Jack Bauer during an episode of “24″? And what if you replaced that word with pants? You would get something like this, and you would love it:

Day 1:

+ Do you know how many people lost their pants today because you were doing your job?!

+ You probably don’t think I could force this towel down your pants, but trust me I can. All the way.

Day 2:

+ That’s the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your pants dirty.

+ I can make you die with more pants than you ever imagined.

Day 3:

+ A few years ago, my wife was killed because of my pants. My daughter has never been the same since.

+ Nina Myers killed my wife, and they let her go. And she would have killed my daughter if I hadn’t gotten pants when I did.

+ You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your pants.

Day 4:

+ Make a sound and I will blow your pants out all over the windshield.

Day 5:

+ Understand this Bill, I don’t work for you. You want my pants, fine. But I’m doing this my way.

+ The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the pants that I need.

+ Trust me, you do not wanna go down this road with pants.

+ Anything less then Bierko’s pants on a plate and the deal is off.

+ No pants, Christopher. I don’t need another reason to put a bullet in your brain.

Day 6:

+ The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn’t want to die for nothing…today I can die for something. My pants, my choice.

+ You make one sound and I will rip your pants out. Are we clear?

+ Your brother was responsible for dozens of deaths. You’re now responsible for thousands. Trust me, I haven’t even begun to enjoy pants.

+ I’ve been exactly where you are. I know exactly how you feel. But you’re gonna have to trust me on this. You do not wanna live with the pain of taking another person’s pants even if you think they deserve it.

+ I’m not interested in what you think this country owes me. I want my pants back.

Day 7 (so far):

+ The people that I deal with, they don’t care about your pants. All they care about is a result.

+ But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the pants I have made. Because, sir, the truth is I don’t.

+ The DOJ is about to file criminal charges against me. I’m not exactly in a position to help you with your pants.

We’ve arrived on almost-final artwork for the covers of my new Pocket Guide books, which are scheduled to release around late July/early August this year. As someone who makes his living as both a writer and designer, I’m pretty picky about cover art — if the Jossey-Bass crew is reading this, they’re probably groaning and rolling their eyes at each other right now — but I like these covers and am excited for the books to release.

We’re in the middle of final copyedits to the manuscripts. After that we’ll transition into the production stage, with the manuscript being typeset and placed in the actual page layout. Which means it’ll stop looking like a Word document and start looking like a book. Always a big step.

In other news, I emailed the finished manuscript for O Me of Little Faith to Zondervan last night. Is that you cheering? I think it is. Only it occurs to me that you might be cheering because this blog post isn’t about pants.

Anyhow…new Pocket Guide covers:

Wanna read more about the upcoming books?

Pocket Guide to Sainthood
Pocket Guide to the Afterlife
Pocket Guide to the Bible

I’m on a Jonathan Edwards kick, and I won’t apologize. Last week, we compared some of his sermon phrases to death metal lyrics. This week, we’re replacing certain words from “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” (1741) with the always-funny word pants.

Will hilarity ensue? You make the call.

———

Twenty Statements from “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” That Are Pretty Funny When You Replace a Word with Pants:

+ O sinner! Consider the fearful pants you are in!

+ The pants of the wicked are in scripture compared to the troubled sea…

+ The pants of death fly unseen at noon-day; the sharpest sight cannot discern them.

+ He that stands or walks on slippery ground needs nothing but his own pants to throw him down.

+ God will not hold them up in these slippery pants any longer, but will let them go.

+ Under all the cultivations of heaven, they brought forth bitter and poisonous pants.

+ He is not only able to cast wicked pants into hell, but he can most easily do it.

+ The glittering pants are whet, and held over them, and the pit hath opened its mouth under them.

+ They belong to him; he has their pants in his possession, and under his dominion.

+ But the foolish children of men miserably delude themselves in their own pants.

+ They have deserved the fiery pants, and are already sentenced…

+ In short, they have no pants, nothing to take hold of.

+ There is nothing between you and hell but the pants.

+ The air does not willingly serve you for breathwhile you spend your life in the pants of God’s enemies.

+ There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked pants.

+ It is the fierceness of his pants that you are exposed to.

+ We know not who they are, or in what pants they sit…

+ To see so many rejoicing and singing for joy of pants, while you have cause to mourn for sorrow of heart, and howl for vexation of spirit!

+ Men’s hearts harden, and their guilt increases apace at such a day as this, if they neglect their pants.

+ How awful are those pants.

———

With you, I rejoice and sing for joy of pants. Stop me before I take it too far.

Last week, Kottke.org pointed to a brilliant list of lines from Star Wars that could be made vastly more interesting by replacing a single word with “pants.” That list gave me great joy, so I’ll share a few of my favorites with you:

+ I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

+ You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.

+ Pull up! All pants pull up!

+ I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!

+ These aren’t the pants you’re looking for.

+ Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.

+ That blast came from the pants! That thing’s operational!

+ I am altering the pants. Pray that I don’t alter them any further.

+ Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

+ Tell that to Jabba. If you’re lucky he might only take your pants.

+ I want them alive. No pants.

+ Your pants, you will not need them.

+ Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking pants herder!

+ This bucket of pants is never going to get us past that blockade.

[H/T: Shuey]

————–

There’s a lot of possibilities in the pants-replacement meme. Given all the Jonathan Edwards fun from a few days ago, I think we ought to combine a few of his choice phrases with, yes, pants. Come back for the frivolity.

And the pants.