For awhile, all anyone in Hollywood talked about was Joe Eszterhas. Depending on whom you talked to, he was either the most brilliant thing to happen to movies and screenwriting or he was responsible for much of the sleaze in the mid-1990s. Whatever the case, Eszterhas had an impressive resume. He left a journalism career with Rolling Stone in the 1970s to pursue screenwriting, which led to films like F.I.S.T., Flashdance, Jagged Edge, and a couple other little films like Basic Instinct and Showgirls — which made him rich and famous and notorious and the whipping boy of culture warriors everywhere. Also he was known for being a chain-smoking, frequently drunk self-promoter with a foul mouth and an even fouler disposition. In a career retrospective, Slate’s David Plotz described Eszterhas as having “devoted his career to the artful composition of smut and violence.”

But other than a bestselling 2004 memoir called Hollywood Animal — which was praised for its rawness but also reviled because in it he boasted about all the actresses he’d bedded and roasted the entertainment industry execs who’d crossed him — he’s been out of the public eye for nearly a decade.

We learned this year, though, that Eszterhas found Jesus. His faith is one in a long line of surprising conversions, starting with Saul of Tarsus and continuing on through Bob Dylan and, well, Stephen Baldwin and that guy from Korn, I guess. Suffering from throat cancer and having left L.A. to return to Cleveland, where he grew up, Eszterhas hit the end of his rope in 2001. He gave up smoking and drinking and (apparently) cussing, and returned to the Catholicism of his childhood. He’s now a profoundly — if unconventionally — religious man, and this month saw the release of Crossbearer, his spiritual memoir about his conversion and the years that followed.

I haven’t read it, although I listened to an interview with him on NPR and he seems pretty sincere about his faith. Others, though, have questioned the timeline of his conversion. He got religion in 2001 and turned away from his wicked ways — to put it in evangelist-speak — yet somehow still wrote a tell-all memoir in 2004 that was peppered with all the familiar seediness and sleaze for which Eszterhas was known. Hollywood Animal, to put it bluntly, wasn’t a very Jesus-y book. (You can read some excerpts here, but be forewarned that you probably won’t want to read it with your grandparents or children or Sunday School teacher looking over your shoulder.)

Anyway, there’s not much point to this post except to say I love it when unconventional people end up pursuing or finding or surrendering to faith. It doesn’t always make us comfortable — wait, that guy‘s a Christian? — and we’re not always too pleased with the results. But if God could do great things with a mealy mouthed murderer like Moses or a murderous adulterer like David or a pretty much insane prophet like Ezekiel or a cowardly, impetuous disciple like Peter…well, surely he can use a naughty screenwriter like Joe Eszterhas. That’s the beauty of grace.

If anything, the world of Christian film is gonna get a whole lot more exciting than Facing the Giants and Fireproof.

On October 7, publisher HarperOne is taking a bold new step in Bible publishing: The Green Bible. It’s an environmentally friendly Bible, in terms of its packaging — 10% post-consumer recycled paper, soy-based ink, cotton binding — but that’s not really what makes it so groundbreaking.

The Green Bible’s stated purpose is to “equip and encourage you to see God’s vision for creation and help you engage in the work of healing and sustaining it.” To accomplish that goal, it includes ecologically minded essays by Brian McLaren, N.T. Wright, Desmond Tutu, and Matthew Sleeth. No problem there. I like all those guys. But what’s crazy and new about this Bible is that it takes the old idea of putting the words of Christ in red and tweaks it for environmental stewardship. In the Green Bible, every verse in reference to creation care and stewardship of the earth is printed in green ink. It’s a green-letter Bible! (You can browse through its pages here.)

I personally think this is brilliant, and will kick off the next wave in niche Bible publishing. Some ideas:

1. The Orange Bible: Highlights all the verses about the fires, tortures, and other punishments of hell.

2. The Gold Bible: Highlights all the verses in which God makes it perfectly clear he wants you to be rich. And as long as we’re doing something new and different, the four Gospels would be renamed “The Prosperity Gospel of Matthew” and “The Prosperity Gospel of Mark” and so on.

3. The Blue Bible: Highlights all the times the psalmists and other depressed prophets doubted God’s presence or activity in their lives. This Bible would not sell nearly as well as the Gold Bible.

4. The Dark Red Bible: Highlights all the biblical verses depicting violence and bloodshed. This Bible would probably end up getting banned, though. You’re not supposed to call attention to that stuff.

5. The Lavender Bible: Highlights all the verses involving promiscuity, fornication, and other sexual activity. This also would be banned, for the reasons stated above.

6. The Not-Pink Bible: Highlights the verses that proclaim the sinfulness of homosexuality.

7. The Secret Last Days Bible: Highlights, in invisible ink, all the verses that offer a coded blueprint for the End Times.

8. The Light-Green Bible: Highlights, in a perfectly lovely light shade of green, all the Bible verses mentioning cucumbers. (Unfortunately, there’s only one: Isaiah 1:8 — KJV)

Let me know if I’ve missed any.

One of the coolest things about writing for magazines is that you inevitably get to talk to interesting people. Of course, it’s mostly over the phone, but still…

Once I spoke to this guy for a do-it-yourself home improvement article I wrote for Christian Single. He was a hoot, as you might expect of a TV personality known as “Ed the Plumber.”

Anyway, this week I’ve been interviewing a few folks for an upcoming article for Collide Magazine about humor and the Church (Collide is a newish church + media publication that’s doing some great stuff.)

On Monday I talked to Dan Merchant, the writer/director/producer and star of the buzzworthy documentary “Lord, Save Us from Your Followers.” A brilliant concept and film, by the way. If you haven’t heard of it, go to the Lord, Save Us site and watch a few of the clips. Dan’s accomplishments seriously impress me. He’s written and produced shows for VH1. He’s a novelist. He’s written and sold screenplays. He even won a regional EMMY award for his work on “Bill Nye the Science Guy.” Bill Nye!

Dan was gracious and funny and laughed a lot while we spoke. I’m now jealous of Matthew Paul Turner, who’s going on tour with Dan next month, because it sounds like a lot of fun and because I possibly have a small man-crush on Dan. I’m thinking of ways I can cause MPT to get sick or sprain his voice or something, then I can swoop in as his last-minute replacement. If you have any ideas of how to accomplish this, let me know.

On Tuesday I spoke to Joel Kilpatrick, who has ghost-written a ton of books but is probably best-known for being the one-man show behind LarkNews.com (a satirical Christian news site in the completely straight and dead-on hilarious manner of The Onion), and the author of A Field Guide to Evangelicals and Their Habitat. Joel is quiet, unassuming, and frighteningly deadpan. It is not a secret that he writes the Lark, and I completely knew that I had the right guy, but the moment I asked him a question about Lark News there was dead silence on the phone. For an uncomfortably long time. Then he said, “Oh, you thought…” And some more silence.

Then, “Um, that’s not — I’m sorry. (Heavy sigh.) That’s the other Joel Kilpatrick.”

I knew he was kidding me — pretty much — and managed to keep quiet while he stammered around and played up the fake awkwardness. But for a second there, I had a brief, horrible moment of uncertainty. Then he laughed it off and we went about our business. Well-played, Mr. Kilpatrick.

Yesterday I interviewed Jon Acuff, the blogger behind the explosively big Stuff Christians Like. Inspired by Christian Lander and Stuff White People Like, Jon started SCL to poke fun at what he calls the “clutter” of church culture (of which, as a pastor’s kid, he’s an admitted part). Jon knew about the books I’ve written, and asked me if — as a published author — I was wearing gold pants. Because all published authors are breathtakingly wealthy. Sadly, I was not. But now I think maybe I need to get some gold pants. Digital high-five for the idea, Jon.

I’d forgotten about making “Crappy Illustrations of Timely Headlines” a regular series on the blog, until I saw this headline and immediately my imagination went to the wrong place:

North Korean Nuclear Plant Seals Removed (CNN.com)

Here’s the quick-and-dirty Photoshop recreation of my immediate mental picture.

Headline: North Korean Nuclear Plant Seals Removed

Visual:

You’re welcome.

September 23 is the feast day for Padre Pio, one of the best-known saints of the 20th century. It’s one thing to hear fantastic stories about saints of old who slew dragons (St. George) and got kidnapped by pirates (St. Patrick) and may or may not have had the head of a dog (St. Christopher). But that stuff happened centuries ago, so who can verify it?

But Padre Pio is recent. He did some of his saintly stuff less than half a century ago (he died in 1968 and was canonized in 2002). Some of it was even documented. As you feast in his honor today, here are some fun facts to remember about Francesco Forgione, the humble Capuchin friar from Pietrelcina, Italy:

1. Pio experienced the stigmata, miraculously appearing wounds in the hands and feet, said to represent the wounds of Christ. At various times, Pio claimed to experience an invisible case of the stigmata (the best kind of stigmata, in which his hands hurt pretty bad but aren’t outwardly messy) and a real, bleeding case of it. There are a couple of famous pictures of him where you can actually see the blood. It’s ickily convincing. Pio’s stigmata first showed up in 1918, and the blood was said to have smelled like flowers. Some critics said it smelled suspiciously like cologne.

2. Pio bilocated, i.e. he could be in two places at once. This allowed him to visit the Holy Land and the United States without ever stepping foot out of Italy. Holiness has its conveniences.

3. Pio could fly. According to legend, he once protected the Nazi-occupied city of San Giovanni Rotundo from American bombers during World War II. The pilots were about to drop their bombs when a floating guy in a brown robe got in their way. They pulled the triggers, but the bombs wouldn’t release. Thanks, Padre!

4. Satan himself kept tormenting Pio in bodily form. Only the devil didn’t have a red leotard or pitchfork, but would show up as the Blessed Virgin. Or as St. Francis. Or even as a young, tempting, barely clothed dancing girl. Sometimes Pio and Lucifer-in-disguise even wrestled. One time, according to Pio, an evil spirit ripped Pio’s shirt off and began beating him mercilessly. Such attacks were never fun, but they were much more tolerable when the dancing girls did the shirt-ripping. When it came at the hands of fake St. Francis, the experience was just kinda…awkward.

5. Pio had his detractors. Some thought he faked the stigmata. And abused church finances. And engaged in inappropriate behavior in the confession booth — though in Pio’s defense, he may have thought he was wrestling the devil disguised as a dancing girl. It’s just like Paul talked about in Ephesians 6:12…Pio wrestled “not against flesh and blood” or, you know, nubile confessors, but against spirits and principalities and whatnot.

Wanna learn more about Padre Pio? Here’s all you’ll ever need to know.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a hugely popular YouTube video of Theresa Andersson, who is musician from New Orleans who recorded all of her most recent album, Hummingbird, Go! in her kitchen. The video features a performance of one of the songs (“Na Na Na”), and shows how she uses real-time digital recording and looping to create a multi-textured song in which she “virtually” performs the whole song herself — including instruments, percussion, background vocals, lead — simultaneously. It’s cool to watch.

Another artist who uses looping to great advantage (at least in live shows) is Trace Bundy, who does ninja-like things on an acoustic guitar. Trace is a brilliant guitarist who is sometimes hesitant to do too much looping, because people tend to then assume everything he does is digital trickery, when in fact it’s not. He’s just really really good. But here’s what “really really good” looks like when it’s combined with looping. (BTW, Trace is a friend of mine, and the week before this video was recorded Trace was practicing this song in my living room. So, clearly, I am awesome.)

Anyway, that’s all. I wanted to post some audio of the sermon illustration I mentioned preparing for in the Christian Parody T-Shirts Rant, but there were some administrative issues that prevented it from being recorded. Maybe I’ll just record myself ranting about it and put THAT on YouTube. If I do, I’ll let you know.

There’s a fascinating and infuriating post at the Burnside Writers Blog about a husband-and-wife missionary team who are in the States trying to raise enough money to fund their next year of ministry in Bratislava, Slovakia, where they’ll work with Trans World Radio. Only Mike and Heather Colleto have had a major setback in their fundraising efforts among their Christian friends and supporters.

Why? Because Heather described her political views on her Facebook page with a single word: Obamarama. Now she’s learned her former supporters might be withholding their support because, based on her Obama preference, they’re questioning her commitment to Christianity and assuming she’s suddenly turned pro-choice and anti-family. As a result, the Colleto’s fundraising efforts are lagging way, way behind.

I’m not going to comment much more on the situation because Jordan does a great job of it already at Burnside, other than to say this:

1. What’s possibly happening to the Colleto family is, to put it delicately, pure crap.

2. A preference for Obama does not automatically mean you want to abort babies.

3. A Christian is a Christian because she is committed to Jesus, not to a political platform.

Honestly? This angers me more than stupid Christian t-shirts. Whether you care for Obama or not — and I know quite a few of my readers absolutely do not — go support Mike and Heather. Read their blog. Donate to their ministry. And do not let human political preferences uproot the work of the Gospel.

[H/T: David Sessions at Patrol]

Miscellaneous Linkage:

1. I have a new article up at TrueU.org. It highlights three major things I did this summer and what I learned from them. One of those things totally should have been “Do Not Swim Among Dead Fish” but I decided it was too dramatic and cut it from the final draft.

2. My interwebs friend Ken Grant works at a technology company named Analtech, which really is the company’s name and not a frat-boy joke. (Their tagline: It’s a short “a” people. Grow up!) With a name like that, you have to be a good sport about marketing, and they are. They produce thin layer chromatography plates, accessories, and lab supplies. I have no idea what these are, except to say chromatography is some sort of cool technological thing you might see on CSI. Anyway, what do you do when you sell an obscure product and have a funny name? You produce a super-professional and beautifully shot — but also fun — viral video: “The Adventures of Ana L’Tech.” It’s clearly about your product, but in a completely non-threatening and self-deprecating way. Mostly it’s about seeing how many subtle and not-so-subtle nods you can make to movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I love this idea. Watch and enjoy. Extra points if, at the end of it, you can tell me what those chromatography plates do.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be in the market for a thin layer chromatography plate. But if I ever am, I’m totally buying one from Analtech. Thanks, Ken. (That’s his voice during the intermission, by the way.)

3. You know what’s missing from your life? Skeleton-shaped silverware. Now you can eat salad while looking at authentic — and shiny! — reproductions of your bones. Finally!

You’re welcome.

4. Inspired by the “Jesus Is My Friend” video posted here last week, my brother’s new church-league flag football team is now named “Sonseed.” I believe my work here is done.

Update (4:04 pm):
5. I just remembered…Today is September 19, the 11th anniversary of the death of Rich Mullins. Here’s a blog post I wrote about Rich last year, for the 10th anniversary. It’s probably the most-viewed post I’ve ever written.

Yesterday I immersed myself in the bizarre world of Christian parody t-shirts. You know the game: 1) take a well-known, mainstream, corporate logo… 2) tweak it by somehow changing the words so it’s about Jesus…and 3) sell it to well-meaning Christians who want a cool shirt that looks like other cool shirts but is actually about God.

I was investigating these shirts for a sermon illustration — I’m helping my pastor introduce a message about “Selling Christianity” with some funny stuff about the dumbness of Jesus Junk. But now I’m just annoyed. Annoyed enough to start making lists about parody t-shirts.

For instance…

The top four things that are wrong with Christian parody tees:

1) They are not cool.

2) They are borderline trademark infringement.

3) They are uncreative (parody is possibly the most efficient but least creative way to be funny).

4) Christians are supposed to be unlike the world. Not very, very similar to the world except for the part where we remove the “L” in “GOLD’S GYM” to make it about God.

Also…

Three possible reasons a person might wear a Christian parody shirt:

1) Evangelism. Let’s say you wear this “Lost” parody shirt. You meet a guy on the subway. He glances at your shirt. He is a fan of the ABC series. He says, “Dude! I can’t wait for the new season of ‘Lost’ to start. What did you think about the disappearing island thing? Freaky, right?”

And you say, “Oh, I don’t really watch that show.”

Then he says, “Then why are you wearing that shirt?”

Your heart starts racing as you recognize a possible soul-winning opportunity, so you say, “Look closer.” So the guy does, and he sees the three crosses, and the little line that says “Someone Is Searching For You,” and he’s intrigued. He then replies, “Oh…interesting. Someone is searching for me? Who exactly IS searching for me? Please explain your shirt, because I am strangely moved by it.”

That’s the best case scenario, of course. Worst case scenario is he looks at you funny, mutters “dork” under his breath, and adds one more reason to his growing list of why Christians are weird.

2) Proclamations of Faith. Never mind that Jesus said the world would know we are Christians by our love. Like, you know, caring about people and doing good things for people. That takes work! I’d rather let people know I’m a believer by wearing a retroish t-shirt that kinda looks like it’s about Mountain Dew but really says Jesus “Meant to Die.” Because, best-case, people will see me wearing that shirt and think, “That dude loves Jesus and wants me to know about His love for me and plan for my life.”

Or, worst-case: “That dude is so not as cool as he thinks with his fake Mountain Dew + Jesus shirt. Who wears a Mountain Dew shirt anyway?”

3) To Make People Think. The intent of a good parody shirt will catch the attention of its viewer and, by nature of its subtle twist on a familiar logo, cause that person to ponder the sinfulness of this world, the fallen nature of his soul, and the wonderful gospel of grace. Of course, bad parody shirts, like this one, just make you furrow your brow in confusion and dismay.

Seriously. “A Breadcrumb & Fish”? First of all, to make those words sound anything like the phonetic emphasis of Abercrombie & Fitch, you have to say it in a completely nonsensical, too-fast cadence: “a-breadcrumb and FISH.” I can’t say it without giggling because it sounds so stupid. Secondly, it wasn’t a breadcrumb used when Jesus fed the 5,000. It was three loaves of bread. It’s already a miracle, t-shirt-making person. You don’t have to make it more miraculous by telling people Jesus fed the 5,000 with just a bread crumb. Also, who wears A&F t-shirts anymore? Didn’t that brand jump the shark when LFO did that song about it?

This shirt is a spiritual failure all the way around.

/rant

(Disclaimer: When I was 16, I had a shirt that looked like a credit card on it. But instead of “American Express,” it said “Heavenly Express.” Pot? This is Kettle: You’re black.)

This is why I love superstar singer/songwriter Andy Osenga‘s blog:

[from the Sept. 8 entry:]

So here’s a good story… Months and months ago I had a song-writing session with a guy. I really liked the guy, we had a good time, but I didn’t feel we really got anything. Well, he took the thing that wasn’t really all together and finished it with another guy. That song went on that other guy’s record.

That other guy is Chris Tomlin and apparently the album is #4 on iTunes this week. I still haven’t heard the song.

Have you? Do you like it?

—————

Good stuff, Andy O.

The song, by the way, is called “With Me.” I haven’t heard it either. But I’m pretty sure I will, someday, over and over again on K-LOVE.

If you’re not a fan of Andy’s work, you need to be. He’s the lead guitarist for Caedmon’s Call, but he’s also a ridiculously good performer and songwriter on his own. Yesterday he released his free new EP, Letters to the Editor, Vol. 2, a collaborative songwriting experiment with his fans and online community. I haven’t listened to it yet, but Vol. 1 was really cool. So go to Andy’s website, download it, and be amazed by his skillz.

Because if it’s good enough for Tomlin…

(For your edification, here’s Part 1 and Part 2 of an interview I did last summer with Andy about Letters, Vol 1.)